Tuesday, August 16, 2005

When I Grow Up...

As my birthday approaches I have been doing alot of thinking. Dangerous, I know. Nonetheless, I have been thinking about where I am today, and what I want to be when I grow up. Ever the unsatisfied person that I am, I am still not 100% sure that I am doing what I want to do most, or what I could be doing.

Since before time began (since I was 12) I wanted to be an attorney. I loved the way laws were written and being a lawyer looked so cool on tv. So when I went to college I clerked at a prestigious law firm, and was going pre-law. Then I found History and Latin America. I dreamed of going to Venezuela and living amongst the people I loved learning about. What great political and social history. These plans were all fine and dandy, until I found psychology. Then I decided I'd become the next greatest legal psychologist. I'd find ways to convict the hardest of criminals by reading their behaviors. Then I got married. That changed everything. Now I had grown up on one level, moving from single girl to grown up married woman. All my friends would ask me for relationship help. I'm still not sure why?! In school I kept at the Legal Psych thing, really getting into it, until I found Ed Psych. Then I dreamed of guiding the youth of America to their fullest potential. Helping those kids who would fall thru the cracks without my guidance. Then I graduated. I left college with a dual BA in History/Political Science, minoring in Psychology and Latin American Studies. Boy, do you think I couldn't make up my mind or what?!

So I graduated, still unsure of where to go with my life. I applied for grad school for an MA in Counseling Psychology, where I was accepted, but never started, as I became pregnant with my oldest, Elle. I would have given birth during finals. I can always go back to school, I keep telling myself, as I look into going back to school for Physical Therapy. I end up pregnant with my second child, James, and never make it into that program either. After I had James, I decided to go back to school, again. This time for Lactation Consulting. This time I made it back and completed the program (short program). I love doing what I do. I enjoy working with new moms and their babies. However, I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that I am still not what I want to be when I grow up. Since we had Peanut, I have come to spend alot of time with medical professionals in various and sundry fields. I am coming to the conclusion that I too would be great in that field. It would make alot of sense too, as I am an Allied Health Professional now, it would just add to my qualifications and knowledge. After all, who in their right mind reads medical texts, and journals just for the hell of it, as slow saterday morning reading? ME. I know stuff about stuff I never would have thought about. Scary actually, but really REALLY cool. My friends think I'm crazy, my husband thinks I'm Nuts, and I don't know what to think. I think I'm getting really old, with no direction in the profession department.

I am the very proud mother of three beautiful kids. Whom I love dearly, and would give anything for. I love my kids so much I keep thinking perhaps a couple more?(Hey, stranger things have happened). I love my husband, and am so proud of him and how far we've come. So, what is it that I want to be? I don't know. Perhaps a Nurse Practitioner, or maybe even a physician. I just know that I want to be something that I love. I want to look forward to going to work (I'll always look forward to coming home). I want to feel as passionate as I do about being a great mom and wife, in the workplace. I know I've always wanted to be a mother, and wife, and I think I'm doing ok at those goals. Next stop Mommy all grown up, still wondering what I should be when I'm old and grey, and all grown up.


BStrong said...

I may think your nuts(who in their right mind reads medical books for fun), but you have my full support in what ever you should decide. I picture you in Med school graduating at the top of your class getting a wonderful internship in Hawaii (obviously with the family by your side)followed by a one year fellowship in St. Maatrin only to come back to Pittsburgh where I can be a stay at home dad and eat bon bons while watching the soaps. LOL

I love you sweetie

Emily Elizabeth said...

I can completely relate. I often wonder what I'll be when I grow up too, and more importantly when I'll grow up.

Whatever you do, just don't grow out of your wonderful ability to dream...